So I went on vacation to visit my family for the first time in a long time. As it turns out I was a little more tense than I realized and my mother and husband thought I might need more time away. I agreed. With my sweet and excited six year old daughter I stayed several extra days and my mother brought us home this week. She even stayed a couple of days.
So, as a first year stay at home, home schooling mom I am, evidently, struggling with a couple of things and those that love me have noticed. Sadly, I did not realize just how "stressed" I was. Sadly, it took a crew of people that know and love me to notice the c-4 that was brewing inside of me. Sadly, I think, I mean thought, that I am, I mean was or I mean I think, or thought ...... yeah.... thats how it has been.
To be frank, I am not sure what I think or thought or what is real or not. I know that I love my daughter. I love my husband. I have an awesome life that I am grateful for. Yet.... I am still wound up like a ball of rubber bands that have been left in the sun then stored in a freezer.
Am I a bad mom?
Am I ungrateful?
Should I put my daughter in public school and go back to work?
...
...
So I come home, my mom goes back home... I get back in the "groove" and find that the extra few days did not "fix" me.
Evidently, all it takes to put me back on the crazy train is an absent minded mom in the post office parking lot and some sand in my daughters shoes.
So I sit here, watching reruns of Burn Notice, with my husband avoiding (by demand) me.
Am I alone? Should I take the doctors advice and chemically conceal the weapon of my insanity? Am I insane? Or am I just a mom that forgot to ask for a couple of days off in the last 18 months? Am I a bad mom for wanting time to my self? Time to not be needed? Am I not worthy of homeschooling because I need that time off? Is being on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week humane?
Do I love my daughter less because I want the chance to miss her? Are her questions less valuable because I don't always want to answer them?
I know that some ask these questions for reassurance and coddling. I really want to know. If I am in the wrong, I want to know so I can fix it. If I am crazy and need medication.... I will take it. And if you know me at all, you will know that medication is the last thing I want.
God is good and I know He loves me. I know that Jesus says not to worry. I have read all of the Corinthians.... even the "important" chapters on love.
Yet, here I am. What does a loving yet crazy mom do?
I talked with a counselor a few months ago when I was feeling absolutely "crazy". It felt really good to talk with someone who could be objective. She gave me actual hands on things I could do to struggle with my issue, which was grief. (We grive a lot of things- it's more than just death of a loved one.) I was constantly fighting with my 4 year old and yelling at him. It wasn't the relationship I wanted at all as a mom. So I just keep working at it. Prayer and patience and being honest with myself. By speaking the truth to myself I freed myself to deal with it. We don't know each other, but I just thought I'd let you know I've been there. I am praying for you right now.
ReplyDeleteWow. I believe that you hit my crazy nail right on the head! This is exactly how I have been and I never thought of grief as a possibility. I did get a chance to just open up and vent to my husband this weekend. There were some touchy topics but he is incredibly supportive. It really helped a lot. Now that I have a name for this issue, I believe I will be able to attack it head on! Thank you for this insight and for sharing this with me. Thank you also for your prayers.
DeleteOne of the things I make sure is to get some me time in. My hubby works away from home and on his day off I get to go somewhere, have a cup of tea, and read (or write in my journal). I totally agree with Lindy that grief is a major part of it. Often we just don't give ourselves permission to grieve for the change of life, let go one life style, exct.. Another thing is excersise...go for a walk, if you need to take you kid with you, (I do all the time.) Oh
ReplyDeleteThank you, Candice! You are very right. I worked for almost twenty years before deciding to be a stay at home mom. I guess a change that big would require some dealing with. I just kept telling myself that I should be grateful and that the way I was feeling was selfish and unfounded... then comes the self condemnation. I am very grateful for your advice and thoughts. I am going to ensure I get some me time and with summer here we will be swimming a lot so I think that will help!
DeleteBefore I read the comments here, Jamie, I was going to bring up grieving. It's nice to know I'm not alone in thinking this.
ReplyDeleteGirl--when I think of all you've been through lately, you have hit more than 3 major stressors. Complete job change. New lifestyle. and moving--to a new state of all places. Friend, a girl has got to grieve. those are huge.
and no, that doesn't make you any less grateful. It just makes you more real. with yourself. with your spouse. with your daughter. with God.
Since you asked, this is what I would try: Shed what you miss about the "old Jamie". say them out loud. and then give them to Him. Lay out all your pre-conceived expectations about what life was going to look like now and give them to God.
then if I were you, I'd take Him up on His new mercies offered each and every day and begin anew. refreshed. clean slate. no expectations. just be His girl. Love yours. and see where that takes you.
Praying for you, friend. To God be the glory.
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you Jamie. Just offer everything to Him friend.
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