Saturday, June 9, 2012

Honesty hurts

So I went on vacation to visit my family for the first time in a long time.  As it turns out I was a little more tense than I realized and my mother and husband thought I might need more time away.  I agreed.  With my sweet and excited six year old daughter I stayed several extra days and my mother brought us home this week.  She even stayed a couple of days.

So, as a first year stay at home, home schooling mom I am, evidently, struggling with a couple of things and those that love me have noticed.  Sadly, I did not realize just how "stressed" I was.  Sadly, it took a crew of people that know and love me to notice the c-4 that was brewing inside of me.  Sadly, I think, I mean thought, that I am, I mean was or I mean I think, or thought ...... yeah.... thats how it has been.

To be frank, I am not sure what I think or thought or what is real or not.  I know that I love my daughter.  I love my husband.  I have an awesome life that I am grateful for.  Yet.... I am still wound up like a ball of rubber bands that have been left in the sun then stored in a freezer.

Am I a bad mom?

Am I ungrateful?

Should I put my daughter in public school and go back to work?



So I come home, my mom goes back home... I get back in the "groove" and find that the extra few days did not "fix" me.

Evidently, all it takes to put me back on the crazy train is an absent minded mom in the post office parking lot and some sand in my daughters shoes.

So I sit here, watching reruns of Burn Notice, with my husband avoiding (by demand) me.

Am I alone?  Should I take the doctors advice and chemically conceal the weapon of my insanity?  Am I insane?  Or am I just a mom that forgot to ask for a couple of days off in the last 18 months?  Am I a bad mom for wanting time to my self?  Time to not be needed?  Am I not worthy of homeschooling because I need that time off?  Is being on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week humane?

Do I love my daughter less because I want the chance to miss her?  Are her questions less valuable because I don't always want to answer them? 

I know that some ask these questions for reassurance and coddling.  I really want to know.  If I am in the wrong, I want to know so I can fix it.  If I am crazy and need medication.... I will take it.  And if you know me at all, you will know that medication is the last thing I want. 

God is good and I know He loves me.  I know that Jesus says not to worry.  I have read all of the Corinthians.... even the "important" chapters on love. 

Yet, here I am.  What does a loving yet crazy mom do?